I Dream of Big

I fell asleep on the couch for a little while the other night and had the weirdest dream. I had a dream that Big got up in the middle of the night (unbeknownst to the rest of us who were all sleeping like you're supposed to in the middle of the night) and wandered down the hill to see what kind of fun he could find. I mean waaay down the hill, like a few miles away. 

In the dream, a neighbor from the city we used to live in came upon Big and managed to convince Big to tell him our phone number. It took him a little while, since Big really saw no problem with what he was doing. I mean, he is an adult four year old after all. When the neighbor's call roused me from my sleep I was, of course, shocked that Big had managed to leave the house without my knowledge and quickly made plans to go pick him up. 

When I arrived at the strip mall where they were waiting, my ex-neighbor proceeded to give me a lecture on good parenting. Lovely. The time wasn't wasted, however, as I spent the time he was lecturing me (of course I didn't listen!) planning out my lecture to Big. Oh, yeah. It was going to be a doozie.

I thanked the neighbor profusely and Big and I hopped in the limo for the ride home. A limo?? Up until that point, the dream didn't seem all that far-fetched. Like I said, Big is an adult four year old. 

As Big and I faced each other in the back of the limo I launched into my lecture. I couldn't wait. It was fantastically well-crafted (while I pretended to listen to my ex-neighbor) and was sure to make Big feel some remorse for his actions. I was sure of it. 

But, then, just after I started in, Big began to sing opera. Loudly. (Like there's any other volume for opera) I tried to continue on with my lecture, very frustrated, but it was difficult to speak over Big's loud singing. It was awfully fabulous, though. Magnificent, in fact. My heavens, Big is an opera prodigy! How did I never know this??

My mind quickly shifted from thoughts of my lecture to thoughts about how to capitalize on my son's incredible gift. The answer to our money woes was sitting right in front of me! Singing opera in the back of a limo at 3 am! My mind began tossing around ideas-- we could farm the kid out for weddings.... no, I needed to think on a grander scale. Then it came to me-- we could get Big on the morning talk show circuit. And on Letterman! That's filmed earlier in the day, right? Don't want to be accused of bad parenting again...

Then Big shut his mouth. And the music kept going. Nuts. He was lip-synching! There go all my grand plans. Straight in the crapper. 

But, wait.... he is a good lip-syncher. Really good. I was sitting just feet away from him in the back of the limo and couldn't even tell. (A Milli Vanilli flashback popped into my head) Hmmm... maybe there's some money to made from this after all. 

Waking up was a relief and a disappointment. Now I need to come up with some other grand plan. Nuts.